This is from a long time ago, but I heard a song today that made me remember all of the events and strange happenings that took place that helped me change my mind about having children. If you knew me before I got married, you probably knew I was never having kids. I was not fond of them , didn't enjoy being around them and never knew what to say to them when they spontaneously started talking to me. Darin and I agreed that children were not a necessary part of our future together. In fact, I had actually told him at one point that I would still be his friend if he wanted to marry someone else, but I would not be having any children. He told me that his life would be fulfilled just by being my husband, and that being a father would just be a bonus if it ever happened.
We got married in 1999 and about a year later strange things began happening that I could not explain to anyone else. I kept it to myself for a while, but when it didn't seem to be getting any better I had to mention it to Darin. It all started one Sunday morning when I was at church all by myself. I had always had trouble concentrating in church when kids were being rowdy and I was one of those people who preferred that people not bring their children with them to worship. This particular morning was no different really. There were a bunch of children there and during the readings a newborn behind me began to cry. The baby didn't settle down easily and for the first time in my life, instead of silently wishing that the mother would take her baby to the back of the church, I wondered what that mother must be feeling as her baby cried and disturbed the quiet in the building. Weird. But even more strange was what happened during the rest of mass...I was able to pay attention to the readings and the priest's homily all the while entertaining thoughts of what it would be like to be a mother. These were not thoughts I had entertained EVER, so I could not just blow them off. I left mass feeling refreshed spiritually as was usual for me, but also a little perplexed and even disturbed by the thoughts that had taken over while I was there.
These thoughts kept creeping up in my mind over the next several weeks. I almost felt like I was keeping a secret from Darin because I hadn't mentioned any of this to him. One night, after about 3 weeks of random thoughts of motherhood, I broke down and confided in him that I was loosing my mind. He was supposed to say something reassuring, like, "Sarah, you have known for most of your life that you don't want children. Don't let 3 short weeks bother you." Instead he said, "Three weeks, huh?" Then he paused a moment and added, "About 3 weeks ago I started randomly thinking about what I would name a child if I were going to have one." This is not good, I thought. I asked him what we should do. Neither of us was ready to accept the idea that I was going to change my mind. We decided to pray about it. Seperately. We agreed that we would pray that these thoughts be taken from our minds and it is was still a problem in 3 months, then we would have to seriously consider the option of following God's plan and have a child.
Well over the next few months, I don't really know what happened in Darin's world, but mine became wierd. I was doing well not thinking about being a mother, until I drove by a church. Sometimes I would have a thought, and then look around and find the church that was nearby. The point is, that I was always in the proximity of a church when motherhood crossed my mind, and believe me I tried to blow this coincidence off. Another strange thing that happened had to do with music. I was working a job that required I drive at various times during the day from one facility to another. I probably started my car 4-5 times each day during the week. And I always had the radio on. One of the most popular songs at the time was by a band named Creed and it was called "With arms wide open." It was written by the lead singer when he learned that he was going to be a father. The song was overplayed to some degree, but it was on every time I started my car. Not kidding. I even got to the point that I would turn my radio off when I got out of my car, so that it wouldn't be on when I started the car. Inevitably I would get amile or two down the road, and turn on the radio, and there it was. It seemed that as much as I was asking this to go away, it was only getting stronger.
Darin and I re-convened the anti-parent committee and after much discussion decided that God had made it pretty clear what HE wanted from us. We just needed to trust Him and follow.
A few months later I was preparing to go to the youth ministry convention in Portland, and there was a definite chance I was pregnant, but it was too soon to take a home test. I got to Portland on Friday afternoon and as we pulled up to the hotel, there were youth outside greeting the others as they arrived. They had finger puppets with their arms spread wide, and their t-shirts showed the theme for the weekend. "With arms wide open" I knew in the instant I saw them that I was pregnant. How could I not be? Later that night I got the chance to call home and I told Darin the theme. Before I could say anything else he said, "You're pregnant."
I was. But I had to wait until I got home on Sunday to confirm it with a test. Seeing the positive result is a moment I will never forget. God had a hard battle to fight to get me to consider becoming a mother. He won. I was scared, confused and still not convinced that this was a good idea, but I had to trust.
The next nine months were a whirlwind of change and growth and learning, but I'll go into that more later.
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