I find myself at a loss for words

That is the first line of a song by MercyME called Word of God Speak. It goes on to say that it is nice and comforting and necessary to be quiet in the presence of God and to allow His Word to speak to you. The tune stays with me for a few days after I hear it on the radio and I don't remember all the words, but I find myself repeating this line "please let me stay and rest, in Your Holiness." It is my intention to pray every night when I go to bed. It often does not happen because I fall asleep very quickly. I can complete very few thoughts and I barely get through the "thank you"s before I give in to sleep. While it is nice and good to give thanks to God, I fall short when it comes to getting to the part where I listen to Him.

I think I stopped listening to Him after I had my fourth child. I knew we were done having babies, and that decision was already made, and it had been guided by God. I got used to the idea that our family was complete and I set my mind on survival. I knew I had a busy life ahead of me and I wasn't certain that I would be able to keep up with the demands of working and raising 4 young children. At some point my resolve became strong enough that I just simply decided to make it work and I lost sight of the fact that it was God that had brought me here. I haven't asked Him what He wants of me. I haven't listened to Him in about 2 years.

I get choked up and have actually cried when reading stories to my kids about God's love for us. This happens when I read about others' faith and belief in God too. I have wondered why this is and haven't found an answer, but maybe, if I found myself at a loss for words, and listened, the Word of God would speak. Maybe I have more questions than I think I do. I know I am afraid of what the answers might be. I am afraid I am not even close to where God wants me to be, and that I don't have what it takes to be closer to Him.

I need to spend time in the quiet. I need to remind myself that this is not about me, and even though I am not expecting to have any more babies, I still need to be listening for what is next. I cannot let fear of failure keep me from striving to do better.

Tonight, I will be still and know, that He's in this place, and I will stay and rest in His Holiness.

25 things

Okay, so despite the title of this blog, this post is all about me. I was challenged to list 25 random things about myself. Here they are.

1. I like my middle name.
2. My favorite food is ice cream.
3. I paid $1200 for my first car and drove it for 2 years.
4. I have had a job since I was 15 years old.
5. I like being Catholic.
6. I can feel nailpolish when I have it on. Yuck.
7. I have flat feet.
8. I am a cat person.
9. Sometimes I miss my house in Indiana, but I am glad I didnt have to grow up there.
10. Hair that is no longer attached to its owner makes me gag.
11. I wrote down the number for the peace corps when I was in 3rd grade and saved it until I was in college.
12. I ate an ice cream sandwich and a small bag of cheetos for lunch every day of jr high and high school.
13. I could eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch everyday and not have a problem with it.
14. I think it would be cool to write my own obituary and then try to live up to it.
15. I think facebook can cure agoraphobia.
16. I feel a special connection with people who have birthdays close to mine
17. I like math.
18. I dont really appreciate art as much as most of the world does.
19. I taught myself to french braid on my own head and struggle to do it on anyone else.
20. I cant believe how much my parents instincts were right about how to raise me.
22. I never wanted kids.
23. I wanted to be from australia when I was little.
24. I like to look at the stars. It always makes me smile and think of God.
25.I love that my thoughts amuse people.

New stuff

We went shopping yesterday and bought a new washing machine and some living room furniture. It is nice to know that I worked hard and earned the opportunity to buy something that I want to have. I have washed a bunch of laundry today and sat on my butt in the new chair. I am thinking it wasnt bright to buy new furniture on the first day of a diet. The diet plan is 100 days and the focus for me has to be on being more active. I am getting pretty good at sitting still these days and eating plenty of junk food too. Yesterday that changed just a little. I ate better and used the treadmill. Today I ate pretty well too, and I hope to use the treadmill or do some yoga after the kids head to bed. I also still need to put away the laundry in my room, which is still clean more than a week later! And I should clean up the kitchen from supper. Right now I am avoiding the kitchen because there is a pan of warm brownies in there. Seems like the right thing to do.

I am waiting for my proactiv to come in the mail. I am looking forward to using it and I hope for good results. I am embarassed by my skin, which is dumb because it isnt my fault, but I still think people are grossed out by it. I know I am. Anyways, if I can get into a routine with it, it should work.

In the time it has taken to start and finish this, I have tucked the kids in, eaten another bit of brownie and collected my sneakers. I guess this means one thing. I had better go use the treadmill.

I love a clean room

My bedroom is CLEAN! My room gets messy as a result of a lot of things. The laundry ends up in there if it gets backed up in the laundry room, the kids leave toys in there, Darin and I leave our clothes laying around...it just piles up. Every time it gets cleaned I resolve to keep it that way, but it always ends up collecting junk again. It is now on day two of being clean and so far so good. I think I should set up a reward system for myself in order to keep it clean. I want a new bedspread, so maybe if I can keep up with my room for 2 months I will buy a new one. I'll have to try really hard...some online shopping about what I want to buy should help to entice me. Right now I need to get up and work on the rest of my house!

I have an empty fish aquarium

Some time ago we bought 3 goldfish for our fish tank. Two proved to be weaker and they died soon after we got them. That left one lonely fish who mostly hid behind a shell and didnt swim too much. This fall, after the kids were really good while Darin was out of town for a week, we got 4 new fish. One by one they died. We took good care of them too. I dont know what the problem was but they did not survive. The last one died just before Christmas, when we were busy being sick and getting ready for the holidays.

The fish tank is still in the living room with water in it. I dont know how long it will stay there, but lets just say it is pretty far down on the list of things I plan to take care of. It is quiet, doesnt stink and isnt causing any problems. It is a bit of a safety issue when Vanessa climbs on the stand, but she doesnt do that often. I will probably empty my kitchen cabinets, clean my fridge, purge my clothing collection, and paint a few rooms before I make an effort to take care of it.

It is a good thing my kids are vocal about their needs because apparently the squeaky wheel gets the grease in this house.

I am lazy

I dont know why I wish for slow and quiet days thinking that I can get more done at the house. When they are quiet, I sit. Today I got my facebook profile back up and running and have been enjoying that. I have all these things to do that arent getting done, and I dont know when they will. I keep waiting for the right time to start big projects...

I should make a list of things that need to be done so I can be reminded of all of them when I feel like doing nothing. But then again, my partner in crime also has a list of things that need to be done and he spends long period of time not getting to them.

Here is a list of things I would like to spend time on...when all my other work is done.
1. spiritual development
2. photography and photo editing
3. scrapbooking

there must be more...but I am too lazy to think about it (see title)

Welcome to facebook...or not

I came home from church and sunday school this afternoon to find that the house was a wreck...not that it was any better when I left home, but Darin had been here all morning with 2 kids, and nothing had been done. He was pleased to announce that 6 people had added him as friends on facebook. He is Mr. Popular. So I got lunch for myself and a couple kids and sat down with the laptop to check my facebook account. I had a hard time signing in, but I checked the caps lock key and double checked that I was typing my password correctly. Then I tried Darin's password for his facebook account (yes, I know his password) and lo and behold, I get logged into HIS facebook account. No way! I ask him what he has done and he starts to realize that he may have messed things up for me. He changed his contact information in his profile including his e-mail address. He changed it to the e-mail address that we share, and the address that I happen to use to log onto facebook. SO as a result, I no longer exist in the world of facebook. I am not on his friends list, I am not on Kate's friends list, and I don't exist if you do a search for me. GREAT. We have sent an e-mail to facebook to ask for help, but I don't know enough about computers and the internet to know if they can find my profile and restore what I had as a profile.

So as I began to ponder a world without facebook I started to think I could use this blog to share information and photos with people that I care about. Yes, I can do that, but it does not serve the same purpose as facebook. There is no networking, no stalking, no status updates. I do know this though, I am going to get a lot more done in a world without facebook. Maybe by spending more time blogging and less time stalking I will be more introspective and self-aware. Or maybe I will be more neurotic and wonder about what my friends are doing without me in cyber space. Will they miss me? I better find a way to tell them about this blog. I will make Darin advertise it on HIS facebook account....if I let him use it before they fix mine. Right now he is banned.

A New Year

I dont make resolutions on a regular basis. I dont know if it is because I am afraid to fail myself or if I am just lazy, or maybe I am content with the way things are, so why resolve to change anything? This year I am actually thinking about resolutions and I may actually make some...or one. I wouldnt want to be too ambitious. The thing that seems to escape me the most is time. I can always find a reason not to do something based upon time. If something isnt on the calendar, then it is basically not going to happen. Darin and I have been trying to get away together for more than a year and it hasnt happened...never made it to the calendar. We have also been wanting to get to CT to see friends and family, and again, it hasnt happened.

Our kids are not involved in lots of activities, so I dont know how the time gets booked. Maybe we dont actually do anything, but I feel busy.

It seems like a smart resolution would be to set aside time for specific things, but should I try to balance the time between family things and ME time? I would love a little more ME time. But then again, this isnt supposed to be about me. I know I lose my sense of self with this mothering job, but I think that is normal. I think I would be a better mom if I felt more like myself. My kids deserve to know me, the real me, the person I was when I fell in love with their dad. But is it reasonable to say that I have to leave them in order to rediscover that person? Why can't I just remember all the things I liked about myself when I am around my kids and let my strengths shine through? Why doesnt Darin feel like he needs to leave for the same reasons? Should I be trying to find time for Darin to be alone?

All this resolution stuff is just leading to more and more questions. I should just resolve to do something that may improve my life and then hope for the best. In the meantime, since ME time isnt going to happen today, I should make the most of the time I have at home and get some things done around here.