It became clear

Lots of times I need a neon sign to understand what is expected of me. Lots of times I just think I know it all and that I dont really need to check in with reality often. I think I have it all together and I feel pretty good about things. Then there are the times that things are not as clear. Times when I should pause and contemplate purpose and meaning and messages. It is these times that are much more understandable after time has passed and decisions have been made. Most recently, this clarity fell upon me when I returned to work after my gallbladder surgery. If you read my last post you know I was thinking along the right lines, putting my family first and I was trying to figure out how best to do that. I made the decision to change my full time job to a different one, one that just found me. I am now working in a job where I feel appreciated everyday. I like that. I like to feel like I am making things better for someone and that they trust me to help them out. I am really able to connect with the clients at this new job, rather than meet them in passing and hope they do well under the care of colleagues. I get to work with a team of people who work hard and like what they do. They smile and laugh and joke with each other. They care about who I am and they want to know me better. These are the things I like about my new job. Some of this is similar to my old job, but it just feels different and better. I feel renewed by this change. I also like the new schedule. I like that I have weekends to spend with my kids and I can go to church on a regular basis. I like that I am going to be able to coach soccer if I want to and take time away for our anniversary if I choose to.



The fact that I can look back now and see that this was the right choice from the beginning is reassuring. I dont doubt that this will work for me and it will allow me to be home and present for my kids despite the longer work days. Sometimes I get subtle hints and nudges in the right direction, but often it takes a big bold event to make me pay attention. This time it was unplanned time off and a chance to re-think things that made me realize what needed to happen. Thankfully God knows what it takes to get me to pay attention and since things happen in His time, I am guessing the neon signs come out when I am being too slow for Him. I dont think I will ever heed the small hints as important because I know the way the Lord has worked in my life. I expect I will keep having moments in my life when I look back and see how clearly this path was set forth for me and how I needed more than a gentle nudge to follow it. I like it that way. I dont do subtle well.

I dont remember the details

It is the middle of the night. 3:37 exactly and I am awake, writing in a blog that I have ignored for months. I remembered I had a blog, but decided to spend time on other priorities. I am now (again) allowed the opportunity to reflect on those priorities and whether I have them in any sort of order. Does the way I spend my time truly reflect what is important to me?

I am awake right now partly because I am in pain and I am waiting for the Tylenol to work its magic. The pain is from a surgery I had last week to remove my gall bladder and it makes it difficult to get comfortable in bed. I have been on the couch since Saturday when I came home from the hospital. Darin is sleeping upstairs and it has been a week since we have slept in the same room. I miss him. Obviously I miss more than sleeping in the same room as him, but this is the only way I can really objectively measure how "apart" we are right now. Darin is doing everything right now. All the household chores, all the child related duties, helping me with moving and changing my dressings. I don't feel like a burden, but I feel like I am just observing life here.

It hurts for others to touch me, so I am not connected to my family the way I would like to be. My 2 year old wants to sit with me, but cant sit still enough and her 29 pounds is more than I am allowed to lift. I haven't really seen much of my son in a week because his grandparents have been helping out by taking the kids for extended periods of time, and he has not been here. He came home earlier today (yesterday?) and he was short on patience and was mean to most of us. Not the sweet, well rested boy I left last week to go in for surgery. My older girls are helping out and seem to understand that I am limited. When they ask for something they say, " Are you able to..." They are also helping to keep the peace and to keep up with the laundry. I know all of my kids want their mom back to normal, and believe me I am ready to be back to normal.

So the question on my mind this morning is "what is normal?" How did it become the norm and should it remain that way? I was already planning to change hours at work because after trying to work 5 days/week, I now know that the timing was not right for the family. So I was headed back to 4 days/week. It was never really established how that would look. Who would get my hours and when was not set in stone when I went in for surgery, mainly because there would be time to talk about it afterward. It was supposed to be day surgery.

I have to figure out how to earn the money we need to get by, determine the most efficient way to earn it, and then reconcile that with whether that works for me as a therapist. The per diem job challenges me as a therapist, but I don't know if I am the right clinician for that place. I am skeptical about some of the treatments, maybe due to lack of understanding, but maybe there is a reason that I don't understand despite my efforts.

What I know is this: The past 4-5 months have been CRAZY and I don't remember much about them. I have worked my butt off and we have a few material things that we wouldn't otherwise have. I already know that I cant keep up that pace, but I need to know when I return to work that I am doing the best thing for my children and my family. It is funny how something can seem right, and can almost appear to come from God because it was so easy, but then in retrospect, it wasn't a good idea. I need to remember the details of my life. I need to remember why I am here, Who I serve and who he placed in my care. If I can remember those details, I should be better positioned to make decisions about my employment. I need not be held by the people in my life, but be held by the hands of God. I must not allow my sense of responsibility to my employers take the place of the love and care I am intended to provide to my family. I am acutely aware of how much I cannot do for them. I need to make sure that when I start to do more, that the first things I do are for them, not for work.

Daycare again?

I have been meaning to write again for more than a week. That last post is heavy duty. I have been making a stronger effort to listen and I have decided to be more patient and make decisions more slowly than I usually do. I am no longer afraid of the answer that I might get if I ask God about His plan for me. I got the chance to go to mass without children and it was exactly what I needed. The priest challenged us to ask God what he wants. I nudged Darin and smiled and later explained that I wasn't surprised to hear the priest say what he did, it simply reaffirmed that God knows what we need and when we need it.

Now we are deciding how to change my work schedule or if we should change my work schedule to allow for more family time. It would mean day care, which we are not against, but haven't needed for 5 years. It would mean more money coming in and a little more going out. It would mean getting kids cleaner and more presentable on a regular basis. Probably spending more time matching socks than I do now, more time planning meals and packing diaper bags. Maybe I could get to the gym on a regular basis? Who knows. There are so many possibilities and options to consider. There don't seem to be any blatant roadblocks right now so maybe this is the right thing to do for us. Nothing we do is ever permanent, so any change would be "for now."

The tough part is that I keep thinking I am doing this for selfish reasons. I want my weekends back. I want to have some time to myself that I don't get right now and somehow I think daycare might be the answer to that. But will the kids benefit from having a mom who gets a little time to herself, or will they suffer because they don't have a parent with them all the time? Am I supposed to try this and see if the results are good? Isn't the damage done by then?

Details to think about and options to consider, but for now, just follow the clear path and listen and trust.

I find myself at a loss for words

That is the first line of a song by MercyME called Word of God Speak. It goes on to say that it is nice and comforting and necessary to be quiet in the presence of God and to allow His Word to speak to you. The tune stays with me for a few days after I hear it on the radio and I don't remember all the words, but I find myself repeating this line "please let me stay and rest, in Your Holiness." It is my intention to pray every night when I go to bed. It often does not happen because I fall asleep very quickly. I can complete very few thoughts and I barely get through the "thank you"s before I give in to sleep. While it is nice and good to give thanks to God, I fall short when it comes to getting to the part where I listen to Him.

I think I stopped listening to Him after I had my fourth child. I knew we were done having babies, and that decision was already made, and it had been guided by God. I got used to the idea that our family was complete and I set my mind on survival. I knew I had a busy life ahead of me and I wasn't certain that I would be able to keep up with the demands of working and raising 4 young children. At some point my resolve became strong enough that I just simply decided to make it work and I lost sight of the fact that it was God that had brought me here. I haven't asked Him what He wants of me. I haven't listened to Him in about 2 years.

I get choked up and have actually cried when reading stories to my kids about God's love for us. This happens when I read about others' faith and belief in God too. I have wondered why this is and haven't found an answer, but maybe, if I found myself at a loss for words, and listened, the Word of God would speak. Maybe I have more questions than I think I do. I know I am afraid of what the answers might be. I am afraid I am not even close to where God wants me to be, and that I don't have what it takes to be closer to Him.

I need to spend time in the quiet. I need to remind myself that this is not about me, and even though I am not expecting to have any more babies, I still need to be listening for what is next. I cannot let fear of failure keep me from striving to do better.

Tonight, I will be still and know, that He's in this place, and I will stay and rest in His Holiness.

25 things

Okay, so despite the title of this blog, this post is all about me. I was challenged to list 25 random things about myself. Here they are.

1. I like my middle name.
2. My favorite food is ice cream.
3. I paid $1200 for my first car and drove it for 2 years.
4. I have had a job since I was 15 years old.
5. I like being Catholic.
6. I can feel nailpolish when I have it on. Yuck.
7. I have flat feet.
8. I am a cat person.
9. Sometimes I miss my house in Indiana, but I am glad I didnt have to grow up there.
10. Hair that is no longer attached to its owner makes me gag.
11. I wrote down the number for the peace corps when I was in 3rd grade and saved it until I was in college.
12. I ate an ice cream sandwich and a small bag of cheetos for lunch every day of jr high and high school.
13. I could eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch everyday and not have a problem with it.
14. I think it would be cool to write my own obituary and then try to live up to it.
15. I think facebook can cure agoraphobia.
16. I feel a special connection with people who have birthdays close to mine
17. I like math.
18. I dont really appreciate art as much as most of the world does.
19. I taught myself to french braid on my own head and struggle to do it on anyone else.
20. I cant believe how much my parents instincts were right about how to raise me.
22. I never wanted kids.
23. I wanted to be from australia when I was little.
24. I like to look at the stars. It always makes me smile and think of God.
25.I love that my thoughts amuse people.

New stuff

We went shopping yesterday and bought a new washing machine and some living room furniture. It is nice to know that I worked hard and earned the opportunity to buy something that I want to have. I have washed a bunch of laundry today and sat on my butt in the new chair. I am thinking it wasnt bright to buy new furniture on the first day of a diet. The diet plan is 100 days and the focus for me has to be on being more active. I am getting pretty good at sitting still these days and eating plenty of junk food too. Yesterday that changed just a little. I ate better and used the treadmill. Today I ate pretty well too, and I hope to use the treadmill or do some yoga after the kids head to bed. I also still need to put away the laundry in my room, which is still clean more than a week later! And I should clean up the kitchen from supper. Right now I am avoiding the kitchen because there is a pan of warm brownies in there. Seems like the right thing to do.

I am waiting for my proactiv to come in the mail. I am looking forward to using it and I hope for good results. I am embarassed by my skin, which is dumb because it isnt my fault, but I still think people are grossed out by it. I know I am. Anyways, if I can get into a routine with it, it should work.

In the time it has taken to start and finish this, I have tucked the kids in, eaten another bit of brownie and collected my sneakers. I guess this means one thing. I had better go use the treadmill.

I love a clean room

My bedroom is CLEAN! My room gets messy as a result of a lot of things. The laundry ends up in there if it gets backed up in the laundry room, the kids leave toys in there, Darin and I leave our clothes laying around...it just piles up. Every time it gets cleaned I resolve to keep it that way, but it always ends up collecting junk again. It is now on day two of being clean and so far so good. I think I should set up a reward system for myself in order to keep it clean. I want a new bedspread, so maybe if I can keep up with my room for 2 months I will buy a new one. I'll have to try really hard...some online shopping about what I want to buy should help to entice me. Right now I need to get up and work on the rest of my house!

I have an empty fish aquarium

Some time ago we bought 3 goldfish for our fish tank. Two proved to be weaker and they died soon after we got them. That left one lonely fish who mostly hid behind a shell and didnt swim too much. This fall, after the kids were really good while Darin was out of town for a week, we got 4 new fish. One by one they died. We took good care of them too. I dont know what the problem was but they did not survive. The last one died just before Christmas, when we were busy being sick and getting ready for the holidays.

The fish tank is still in the living room with water in it. I dont know how long it will stay there, but lets just say it is pretty far down on the list of things I plan to take care of. It is quiet, doesnt stink and isnt causing any problems. It is a bit of a safety issue when Vanessa climbs on the stand, but she doesnt do that often. I will probably empty my kitchen cabinets, clean my fridge, purge my clothing collection, and paint a few rooms before I make an effort to take care of it.

It is a good thing my kids are vocal about their needs because apparently the squeaky wheel gets the grease in this house.

I am lazy

I dont know why I wish for slow and quiet days thinking that I can get more done at the house. When they are quiet, I sit. Today I got my facebook profile back up and running and have been enjoying that. I have all these things to do that arent getting done, and I dont know when they will. I keep waiting for the right time to start big projects...

I should make a list of things that need to be done so I can be reminded of all of them when I feel like doing nothing. But then again, my partner in crime also has a list of things that need to be done and he spends long period of time not getting to them.

Here is a list of things I would like to spend time on...when all my other work is done.
1. spiritual development
2. photography and photo editing
3. scrapbooking

there must be more...but I am too lazy to think about it (see title)

Welcome to facebook...or not

I came home from church and sunday school this afternoon to find that the house was a wreck...not that it was any better when I left home, but Darin had been here all morning with 2 kids, and nothing had been done. He was pleased to announce that 6 people had added him as friends on facebook. He is Mr. Popular. So I got lunch for myself and a couple kids and sat down with the laptop to check my facebook account. I had a hard time signing in, but I checked the caps lock key and double checked that I was typing my password correctly. Then I tried Darin's password for his facebook account (yes, I know his password) and lo and behold, I get logged into HIS facebook account. No way! I ask him what he has done and he starts to realize that he may have messed things up for me. He changed his contact information in his profile including his e-mail address. He changed it to the e-mail address that we share, and the address that I happen to use to log onto facebook. SO as a result, I no longer exist in the world of facebook. I am not on his friends list, I am not on Kate's friends list, and I don't exist if you do a search for me. GREAT. We have sent an e-mail to facebook to ask for help, but I don't know enough about computers and the internet to know if they can find my profile and restore what I had as a profile.

So as I began to ponder a world without facebook I started to think I could use this blog to share information and photos with people that I care about. Yes, I can do that, but it does not serve the same purpose as facebook. There is no networking, no stalking, no status updates. I do know this though, I am going to get a lot more done in a world without facebook. Maybe by spending more time blogging and less time stalking I will be more introspective and self-aware. Or maybe I will be more neurotic and wonder about what my friends are doing without me in cyber space. Will they miss me? I better find a way to tell them about this blog. I will make Darin advertise it on HIS facebook account....if I let him use it before they fix mine. Right now he is banned.

A New Year

I dont make resolutions on a regular basis. I dont know if it is because I am afraid to fail myself or if I am just lazy, or maybe I am content with the way things are, so why resolve to change anything? This year I am actually thinking about resolutions and I may actually make some...or one. I wouldnt want to be too ambitious. The thing that seems to escape me the most is time. I can always find a reason not to do something based upon time. If something isnt on the calendar, then it is basically not going to happen. Darin and I have been trying to get away together for more than a year and it hasnt happened...never made it to the calendar. We have also been wanting to get to CT to see friends and family, and again, it hasnt happened.

Our kids are not involved in lots of activities, so I dont know how the time gets booked. Maybe we dont actually do anything, but I feel busy.

It seems like a smart resolution would be to set aside time for specific things, but should I try to balance the time between family things and ME time? I would love a little more ME time. But then again, this isnt supposed to be about me. I know I lose my sense of self with this mothering job, but I think that is normal. I think I would be a better mom if I felt more like myself. My kids deserve to know me, the real me, the person I was when I fell in love with their dad. But is it reasonable to say that I have to leave them in order to rediscover that person? Why can't I just remember all the things I liked about myself when I am around my kids and let my strengths shine through? Why doesnt Darin feel like he needs to leave for the same reasons? Should I be trying to find time for Darin to be alone?

All this resolution stuff is just leading to more and more questions. I should just resolve to do something that may improve my life and then hope for the best. In the meantime, since ME time isnt going to happen today, I should make the most of the time I have at home and get some things done around here.