I find myself at a loss for words

That is the first line of a song by MercyME called Word of God Speak. It goes on to say that it is nice and comforting and necessary to be quiet in the presence of God and to allow His Word to speak to you. The tune stays with me for a few days after I hear it on the radio and I don't remember all the words, but I find myself repeating this line "please let me stay and rest, in Your Holiness." It is my intention to pray every night when I go to bed. It often does not happen because I fall asleep very quickly. I can complete very few thoughts and I barely get through the "thank you"s before I give in to sleep. While it is nice and good to give thanks to God, I fall short when it comes to getting to the part where I listen to Him.

I think I stopped listening to Him after I had my fourth child. I knew we were done having babies, and that decision was already made, and it had been guided by God. I got used to the idea that our family was complete and I set my mind on survival. I knew I had a busy life ahead of me and I wasn't certain that I would be able to keep up with the demands of working and raising 4 young children. At some point my resolve became strong enough that I just simply decided to make it work and I lost sight of the fact that it was God that had brought me here. I haven't asked Him what He wants of me. I haven't listened to Him in about 2 years.

I get choked up and have actually cried when reading stories to my kids about God's love for us. This happens when I read about others' faith and belief in God too. I have wondered why this is and haven't found an answer, but maybe, if I found myself at a loss for words, and listened, the Word of God would speak. Maybe I have more questions than I think I do. I know I am afraid of what the answers might be. I am afraid I am not even close to where God wants me to be, and that I don't have what it takes to be closer to Him.

I need to spend time in the quiet. I need to remind myself that this is not about me, and even though I am not expecting to have any more babies, I still need to be listening for what is next. I cannot let fear of failure keep me from striving to do better.

Tonight, I will be still and know, that He's in this place, and I will stay and rest in His Holiness.