Daycare again?

I have been meaning to write again for more than a week. That last post is heavy duty. I have been making a stronger effort to listen and I have decided to be more patient and make decisions more slowly than I usually do. I am no longer afraid of the answer that I might get if I ask God about His plan for me. I got the chance to go to mass without children and it was exactly what I needed. The priest challenged us to ask God what he wants. I nudged Darin and smiled and later explained that I wasn't surprised to hear the priest say what he did, it simply reaffirmed that God knows what we need and when we need it.

Now we are deciding how to change my work schedule or if we should change my work schedule to allow for more family time. It would mean day care, which we are not against, but haven't needed for 5 years. It would mean more money coming in and a little more going out. It would mean getting kids cleaner and more presentable on a regular basis. Probably spending more time matching socks than I do now, more time planning meals and packing diaper bags. Maybe I could get to the gym on a regular basis? Who knows. There are so many possibilities and options to consider. There don't seem to be any blatant roadblocks right now so maybe this is the right thing to do for us. Nothing we do is ever permanent, so any change would be "for now."

The tough part is that I keep thinking I am doing this for selfish reasons. I want my weekends back. I want to have some time to myself that I don't get right now and somehow I think daycare might be the answer to that. But will the kids benefit from having a mom who gets a little time to herself, or will they suffer because they don't have a parent with them all the time? Am I supposed to try this and see if the results are good? Isn't the damage done by then?

Details to think about and options to consider, but for now, just follow the clear path and listen and trust.

I find myself at a loss for words

That is the first line of a song by MercyME called Word of God Speak. It goes on to say that it is nice and comforting and necessary to be quiet in the presence of God and to allow His Word to speak to you. The tune stays with me for a few days after I hear it on the radio and I don't remember all the words, but I find myself repeating this line "please let me stay and rest, in Your Holiness." It is my intention to pray every night when I go to bed. It often does not happen because I fall asleep very quickly. I can complete very few thoughts and I barely get through the "thank you"s before I give in to sleep. While it is nice and good to give thanks to God, I fall short when it comes to getting to the part where I listen to Him.

I think I stopped listening to Him after I had my fourth child. I knew we were done having babies, and that decision was already made, and it had been guided by God. I got used to the idea that our family was complete and I set my mind on survival. I knew I had a busy life ahead of me and I wasn't certain that I would be able to keep up with the demands of working and raising 4 young children. At some point my resolve became strong enough that I just simply decided to make it work and I lost sight of the fact that it was God that had brought me here. I haven't asked Him what He wants of me. I haven't listened to Him in about 2 years.

I get choked up and have actually cried when reading stories to my kids about God's love for us. This happens when I read about others' faith and belief in God too. I have wondered why this is and haven't found an answer, but maybe, if I found myself at a loss for words, and listened, the Word of God would speak. Maybe I have more questions than I think I do. I know I am afraid of what the answers might be. I am afraid I am not even close to where God wants me to be, and that I don't have what it takes to be closer to Him.

I need to spend time in the quiet. I need to remind myself that this is not about me, and even though I am not expecting to have any more babies, I still need to be listening for what is next. I cannot let fear of failure keep me from striving to do better.

Tonight, I will be still and know, that He's in this place, and I will stay and rest in His Holiness.

25 things

Okay, so despite the title of this blog, this post is all about me. I was challenged to list 25 random things about myself. Here they are.

1. I like my middle name.
2. My favorite food is ice cream.
3. I paid $1200 for my first car and drove it for 2 years.
4. I have had a job since I was 15 years old.
5. I like being Catholic.
6. I can feel nailpolish when I have it on. Yuck.
7. I have flat feet.
8. I am a cat person.
9. Sometimes I miss my house in Indiana, but I am glad I didnt have to grow up there.
10. Hair that is no longer attached to its owner makes me gag.
11. I wrote down the number for the peace corps when I was in 3rd grade and saved it until I was in college.
12. I ate an ice cream sandwich and a small bag of cheetos for lunch every day of jr high and high school.
13. I could eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch everyday and not have a problem with it.
14. I think it would be cool to write my own obituary and then try to live up to it.
15. I think facebook can cure agoraphobia.
16. I feel a special connection with people who have birthdays close to mine
17. I like math.
18. I dont really appreciate art as much as most of the world does.
19. I taught myself to french braid on my own head and struggle to do it on anyone else.
20. I cant believe how much my parents instincts were right about how to raise me.
22. I never wanted kids.
23. I wanted to be from australia when I was little.
24. I like to look at the stars. It always makes me smile and think of God.
25.I love that my thoughts amuse people.

New stuff

We went shopping yesterday and bought a new washing machine and some living room furniture. It is nice to know that I worked hard and earned the opportunity to buy something that I want to have. I have washed a bunch of laundry today and sat on my butt in the new chair. I am thinking it wasnt bright to buy new furniture on the first day of a diet. The diet plan is 100 days and the focus for me has to be on being more active. I am getting pretty good at sitting still these days and eating plenty of junk food too. Yesterday that changed just a little. I ate better and used the treadmill. Today I ate pretty well too, and I hope to use the treadmill or do some yoga after the kids head to bed. I also still need to put away the laundry in my room, which is still clean more than a week later! And I should clean up the kitchen from supper. Right now I am avoiding the kitchen because there is a pan of warm brownies in there. Seems like the right thing to do.

I am waiting for my proactiv to come in the mail. I am looking forward to using it and I hope for good results. I am embarassed by my skin, which is dumb because it isnt my fault, but I still think people are grossed out by it. I know I am. Anyways, if I can get into a routine with it, it should work.

In the time it has taken to start and finish this, I have tucked the kids in, eaten another bit of brownie and collected my sneakers. I guess this means one thing. I had better go use the treadmill.

I love a clean room

My bedroom is CLEAN! My room gets messy as a result of a lot of things. The laundry ends up in there if it gets backed up in the laundry room, the kids leave toys in there, Darin and I leave our clothes laying around...it just piles up. Every time it gets cleaned I resolve to keep it that way, but it always ends up collecting junk again. It is now on day two of being clean and so far so good. I think I should set up a reward system for myself in order to keep it clean. I want a new bedspread, so maybe if I can keep up with my room for 2 months I will buy a new one. I'll have to try really hard...some online shopping about what I want to buy should help to entice me. Right now I need to get up and work on the rest of my house!

I have an empty fish aquarium

Some time ago we bought 3 goldfish for our fish tank. Two proved to be weaker and they died soon after we got them. That left one lonely fish who mostly hid behind a shell and didnt swim too much. This fall, after the kids were really good while Darin was out of town for a week, we got 4 new fish. One by one they died. We took good care of them too. I dont know what the problem was but they did not survive. The last one died just before Christmas, when we were busy being sick and getting ready for the holidays.

The fish tank is still in the living room with water in it. I dont know how long it will stay there, but lets just say it is pretty far down on the list of things I plan to take care of. It is quiet, doesnt stink and isnt causing any problems. It is a bit of a safety issue when Vanessa climbs on the stand, but she doesnt do that often. I will probably empty my kitchen cabinets, clean my fridge, purge my clothing collection, and paint a few rooms before I make an effort to take care of it.

It is a good thing my kids are vocal about their needs because apparently the squeaky wheel gets the grease in this house.

I am lazy

I dont know why I wish for slow and quiet days thinking that I can get more done at the house. When they are quiet, I sit. Today I got my facebook profile back up and running and have been enjoying that. I have all these things to do that arent getting done, and I dont know when they will. I keep waiting for the right time to start big projects...

I should make a list of things that need to be done so I can be reminded of all of them when I feel like doing nothing. But then again, my partner in crime also has a list of things that need to be done and he spends long period of time not getting to them.

Here is a list of things I would like to spend time on...when all my other work is done.
1. spiritual development
2. photography and photo editing
3. scrapbooking

there must be more...but I am too lazy to think about it (see title)